Okay, let’s talk. I’m not some finance guru or TikTok influencer—just a girl who accidentally majored in existential dread and $80k of student debt. But guess what? I clawed my way out, and I’ll spill the tea (spoiler: community college and Chipotle saved me).
- “Prestige” is a Pyramid Scheme
My cousin Jake went to Arizona State—the one everyone mocks for pool parties and cactus mascots. He graduated debt-free (thanks to a scholarship for left-handed people who love pickles—yes, that’s real). Now he’s coding for Tesla. Meanwhile, my roommate from “prestigious” NYU? She’s $200k in debt and teaches yoga to rich toddlers.
Moral of the story: Employers care if you can code Python, not if you can quote Plato.
- Certifications: The Secret Cheat Code
My friend Sarah skipped college, spent $500 on a Google Data Analytics cert, and now makes $85k working remotely. Her secret? She spammed LinkedIn with cat memes and messages like: Hire me or I’ll send more cat memes.” It worked.
Try These Instead:
- AWS Certifications: 60% of grads land $100k+ jobs.
- CompTIA Security+: Break into cybersecurity without a degree.
- Fiverr’s “SEO Wizardry” Course: Because apparently, that’s a job now.
- Community College: The Ultimate Flex
I took Calculus at Pasadena City College for $200. Same credit as UCLA’s $4k course. My professor? A grumpy ex-NASA engineer who called us “meatbags.” Best. Decision. Ever.
Life Hacks:
- Transfer Agreements: California’s ASSIST program guarantees UC admission if you keep a B average.
- Free Tuition: Tennessee’s “Reconnect” program pays for CC if you’re over 25 (cries in 24-year-old).
- Night Classes: Taught by actual humans with day jobs (no TAs who hate you).
- Companies That Pay YOU to Learn
My buddy Carlos stacked cans at Walmart. Now, Walmart’s paying for his Purdue computer science degree through their “Live Better U” program. His only catch? Work 20 hrs/week.
Other Free Rides:
- Chipotle: 100% tuition coverage (yes, even if you just sling guac).
- Amazon: Pays for pilot licenses, nursing degrees, and HVAC certs.
- Starbucks: Free ASU online degrees (latte art skills optional).
- Student Loans: The Devil’s Credit Card
Here’s the dirty secret: 43% of borrowers aren’t even paying down their principal. They’re stuck paying interest forever. My $80k loan? At 7% interest, I’d owe $180k over 20 years. Hell no.
How I Escaped:
- Refinanced with SoFi: Dropped my rate to 4.3% (not sponsored, just desperate).
- Public Service Loan Forgiveness: Work nonprofit/government for 10 years. Pro tip: Librarians count.
- Side Hustles: I wrote quizzes like Which Disney Princess Are You?” for $50 each. Don’t judge.
- Trade Schools > “Follow Your Passion”
Forget gender studies. Lambda School (now BloomTech) teaches coding in 6 months—you pay $0 until you land a $50k+ job. Or try Brooklyn’s Hipster Welding Academy, where $500 gets you a cert and a beard.
2024’s Wildest Certifications:
- AI Prompt Engineering: Yes, that’s real.
- Drone Pilot: $150k to film weddings from the sky.
- CBD Sommelier: Rate weed gummies for a living.
- YouTube University: The New Ivy League
My niece Zoe learned graphic design from a Swedish teenager on YouTube. Now she charges $120/hour. Platforms like Skillshare and Udemy have $15 courses that crush most lectures.
Warning: Avoid “gurus” in Lambos. If their course starts with a rented mansion, run.
- The Lies They Tell You
- “Alumni Networks Matter”: Unless you’re at Harvard, your “network” is LinkedIn spam from strangers.
- Textbook Cartels: Pearson made $3.8 billion last year. Your professor? Got a free tote bag.
- Mental Health Support: Colleges offer “free yoga mats” while charging $60k/year. Cool.
9.Your Game Plan
- Target Job-Focused Schools: Look for 80%+ placement rates (shoutout to Texas A&M).
- Certify Like Crazy: Use Coursera or edX for cheap credentials.
- Grind Smart: Work part-time at companies with tuition perks.
